


Bright Blue Sky

by flipfloppandas



Category: Goblin Slayer (Anime)
Genre: F/M, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Rape Aftermath, Rape/Non-con Elements, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:27:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28167732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flipfloppandas/pseuds/flipfloppandas
Summary: The very first thought she had when it was finally done was, of all things, 'Goblin Slayer must never know'.
Relationships: Goblin Slayer & Priestess (Goblin Slayer), Goblin Slayer/Priestess (Goblin Slayer)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 44





	Bright Blue Sky

**Author's Note:**

> This is not intended to be a rape-fantasy fic. This focuses on the more realistic mental health aspect of it.

The very first thought she had when it was finally done was, of all things, _'Goblin Slayer must never know'._

In retrospect, it was a foolish thought. Low on the scale of relevance when the whole magnitude of the situation was considered. Certainly not as important as the blood and other unspeakable things running down her legs. Certainly not as important as the water that had entered her brain and the numbness that had spread to her every finger and toe. Certainly not as important as simply acknowledging it, truly grasping what had happened and would live in her memory forever.

Nonetheless, it was her first thought, and in that moment, the only thing that had ever mattered to her.

It had been just the two of them, cleansing an abandoned castle. The others were all unavailable with other endeavors that she couldn't even remember now. Part of her, an admittedly selfish part, had been quietly excited at the prospect. She did not dislike her friends, but sometimes she missed the days when it was just the two of them, like it had been before.

Perhaps that was what had done it, the sum of her selfish thoughts deciding her fate for her. The concept was ridiculous, but how could she know?

It had been going well at first. Better than well. He was fighting the goblins off so easily that she hadn't even had to intervene with a single spell.

Then a Champion appeared, and it all went wrong after that.

It hadn't seemed that way at first. There was only the one Champion, and he seemed wounded already—probably from the last group of adventurers who had come here and presumably failed. Furthermore, there were not too many of the small goblins still alive. None had even been able to come near her, not with the way Goblin Slayer was fighting them off in a way that seemed almost effortless.

How the seemingly easy victory descended into the tragedy it would end up being was a bit of a blur. One moment, Goblin Slayer had been slashing at the Champion, not quite as in his element in the abandoned castle as opposed to a cave, but still more than capable of handling the foe before him. Then the Champion struck the tiles—right where Goblin Slayer had been before he jumped out of the way—with his club, and the decaying floor gave out entirely, taking both Goblin Slayer and Champion with it.

Sometime during that moment, she lost her staff. It had dropped from her hand while she stumbled out of the way of the hole that opened across the floor. As her back hit the ground, she watched her staff roll away underneath a decorative bench settled in the nook in the wall, well within her eyesight, but still so far away it might as well have been on another planet entirely.

She did not even have a chance to stretch out her arm and reach for it before the Goblins were on her.

There hadn't seemed to be that many during the battle earlier, but looming over her, with their hands pawing at her, it felt like there were thousands of them. They ripped at her clothes like they were paper, spread her legs like bird wings, laughed so loudly that they probably couldn't even hear her crying and begging, if they were even inclined to care.

Then it hurt. Then everything hurt.

It went on for the length of a lifetime. It went on so long that her blood acted like slick and the pain faded to numbness. It went on so long that her wails dimmed out, and her eyes became so clouded that she could hardly see anything but the water of her tears. It went on so long that she wondered if Goblin Slayer had been killed after all. If this was all she would ever know before her breath finally gave out too.

Then the castle faded away altogether, and she saw the sky, much brighter and bluer than it would be at this time of night but she saw it, nonetheless. It was a beautiful blue sky, the kind she would count clouds under when she was a little girl, wondering if she would ever be able to count them all.

Despite the sky before her, the castle had not truly disappeared. Through the haze, she could still see enough that she could see her staff coming closer into view. They, the goblins, had not found it, or perhaps had not cared to find it. Even more careless, they let the thrusting of their bodies push her closer and closer until the staff was no longer on a distant planet but was right before her, within her reach if she would stretch her fingers just right.

Had it been moments before, the girl she had been when the assault began, she might have been too scared to risk it, too paralyzed by fear even when she knew exactly what her unwillingness to act would result in. The girl she was now though, did not quite remember fear. She did not remember anger or joy or sadness either. She only knew the bright blue sky, the distant pain, and the knowledge that if it didn't stop here and now, it never would end.

She had begun murmuring the words before her hand even closed around the staff, so she was ready right in that moment. The spell she casted did not blow them back, nor did it do something so tame as putting them to sleep. It bathed them in a holy light so powerful they burned away to particles underneath it, the spell used more viciously than she ever knew possible, ever even imagined herself doing.

It nearly took her consciousness, the drawback of the spell. She breathed through the wave, let her head spin before forcing it to right itself. Somewhere distantly, the voice of the Earth Mother might have been reprimanding her, but by the time her senses returned, any sound of voices had disappeared.

It was then, in the ensuing silence of the aftermath, that the thought came, the thought that Goblin Slayer must never know.

If he was still alive, that was but he must be, because in that moment she could hear the distant sound of the Champion roar and the tiny clang of Goblin Slayer's sword against its club.

Still alive, and she had no doubt that he would not be brought down so easily.

He could not know.

With her mind still feeling as though it were floating through water, she used her second spell to repair her clothes. It was a simple spell, and one she hadn't used since she was still training. She could never see the point in wasting a spell on something so trivial. Yet she utilized it now, watched avidly as every tear and loose thread mended back together. Distantly, she begrudged herself for always wearing such light colors, and could only hope that the fabric was thick enough that her blood would not seep through until she was safely from his sight.

The sounds of the battle dimmed away to nothing, and she knew that he would be back for her soon.

She used her final spell to neutralize the pain she felt below her waist. It was not a proper healing—such a thing would take too long and was not reliable when performed on oneself—and it would not last, but she knew she would not be able leave this cave on two steady feet unless she did. Goblin Slayer would know instantly why she could not walk.

And he could not know. He really, really could not know.

She tried to think of the reasons why that was so important to her, but the task of forming complex, logical thought seemed lost on her.

He might feel guilty, her mind supplied, as an afterthought. Not that that was not a well enough reason for her—she certainly would not want him to feel guilty for something that was not his doing, or within his control—but the other reasons were so much darker, and so much louder in her mind.

What if he was angry? What if he stopped bringing her on adventures? What if he lost his faith in her abilities?

What if he was disgusted?

That one solidified both her resolve, and a knot in her stomach. It would have been a fair response. She was a pure maiden, was she not? Pure enough that she could help bring him back from the brink of death.

Not pure anymore. She was decidedly impure. Defiled. Hopelessly unclean. How could Goblin Slayer, how could _anyone_ ever look at her again if they knew what she had allowed to happen?

She just managed to get herself to her feet when Goblin Slayer reappeared. He was injured. She could see blood dripping from several places on his armor, his arm held across his chest in a deliberate manner to lessen pain and risk of further injury. Part of her wanted to run to him, to exclaim and let the worry in her heart spring forth, but the water in her head refused to let her do more than stare.

"Are you hurt?" He asked.

"Just a little," her mouth managed to say, knowing he would catch an outright lie.

"Where?"

She shook her head. Her neck felt like rusty metal. "Just some scratches and bruises. I'm fine."

He stared at her, and somehow, she managed to keep his gaze. She even found it within herself to tilt her head in confusion, as if he were the one acting oddly.

"... You are pale," he said.

"I was pretty scared," she said, hopefully with the right amount of embarrassment in her tone, like she was admitting something shameful. Rather, that was _exactly_ what she was doing.

He stared some more, just as unreadable as he was in the early days when she hadn't yet learned how to decipher at least some of his moods. Then, he turned away, saying nothing more. She followed him and hoped that the blood and unspeakable things running down her legs wouldn't dot their path in the grass.

He walked her all the way home. Had it been any other night she would have urged him to think of himself first, and to go back to his own home and tend to his wounds as soon as he could. She could not manage those words though. She bid him a good night from her doorway, even though it was anything but. She thought that this might have been the worst night of her life.

She made it to her bedroom, but no further than her floor. Part of her wanted to draw a bath, to scrub her skin until the entire top layer was washed away. The larger part of her couldn't even imagine all the time and energy it would take to fill up her tub and wait for it to warm enough to burn away everything inside and out of her. She stayed there on the floor, propped up against the wall, watching the moons through her window until they became the sun, thinking of nothing and everything all at once.

* * *

The next morning, she went to the healers. She had been trained enough in the art that she understood the value of well-treated wounds. They healed the scratches and the bite marks. They gave her an ointment for the scars and a potion for the pain. When they checked the full extent of what had been done to her, what remained of her stolen virtue, she did not scream or cry. She only looked at the ceiling, and let it become the bright blue sky once more.

"Would you like to talk about what happened?" They asked her, words gentle like cotton on skin, once she confirmed that the goblins in question had been taken care of and would no longer be a threat.

No, she really wouldn't.

After that, she went home, and stayed there for the rest of the day. And the day after that. And the day after that. She could count how many hours she slept during those days on one hand.

Her friends were worried, she knew. On the third day, High Elf Archer even stopped by, wondering at why she had not been by the Guild and if she would be accompanying them on their adventure later that night.

She could not remember the excuse she gave, but going by the look on High Elf Archer's face, it hadn't been a very good one.

She was not surprised that Goblin Slayer was still going on adventures. The only time he would stop was if there were none, after all. While the thought of him out there, possibly alone, worried her more than a little, she just could not bring herself to go.

One week, she told herself. One week and she would put this behind her. She would pick up her staff, remember what it felt like to smile, and move forward just like all good adventurers did.

* * *

One night, when dark cackling and phantom fingers pulling at her skin refused to let her sleep, she stared out at the moons once more. She watched the green moon in particular, remembering the words of Goblin Slayer's sister. She imagined a hoard of Goblins falling from their moon in great balls of fire, like shooting stars. Only, the flames would not kill them. No, the goblins would burn through her walls and the locks on her doors. Then they would wrap their burning hands around her wrists and ankles and melt her clothes and touch her until her skin was fire like theirs and—

She only barely made it to her wastebin before she heaved up all the contents of her stomach.

* * *

Another night, with her eyes heavy but still too scared to close, she thought about Goblin Slayer. She thought about him a lot.

She was not blind. She knew how other women felt about him. Beautiful women, experienced women, women so much unlike her with her child-like face and curve-less hips. Yet acknowledging that had done nothing to dim... whatever these feelings were that she felt for him. They were nice feelings, just as it was nice to... perhaps not _hope_ , but to simply be in his presence, knowing that maybe someday what they had now could become something more.

That would change, she knew with certainty. The way he spoke to her, the way he regarded her, whatever look was in his eyes when he looked at her, all of it would change.

She didn't want him to change.

She didn't want herself to change either. She didn't want to be this person who cowered inside her own home far from monsters, the ones in particular long dead and from her own hand at that. She wanted to fight again. She wanted to walk beside her friends with confidence in her step again. She wanted to know how to smile again.

A few more days and then the week would be up. A few more days and she could put this pain behind her. A few more days and she could be herself again.

* * *

She had never thought about this part, she realized, the after. She had seen the wreckage numerous times: nude, tormented bodies and eyes so devoid of light it was if the soul had already passed on and the body had yet to catch up. She rarely wondered about those girls after they rescued them though, aside from the general hopes that they had made it to safety and were alright.

She never wondered if they would have sleepless nights, if they would always see monsters in the corner of their eyes, if they would ever greet a new day without being haunted by the last.

But how could they not? How could they be alright? How could anyone ever be alright after something like this? How did they manage to keep moving, keep living, instead of taking a knife to their throats instead?

* * *

One week passed.

The turmoil did not.

* * *

She could not say why that night, eight days after _The Castle_ , was particularly bad.

Bad was an understatement. That word could not fully encompass the terror coursing through her body.

She had been sleeping, for once, but just as every time before, the dreams made her regret even trying. She could not even remember what had occurred in the dreams, but she could guess, and the moment she woke up, she was hit with the sudden belief that the goblins were in her home.

It was irrational, the rational part of her told her. Goblins would never come this far into a town full of adventurers, not unless they wanted to be slaughtered before they even made it to the main road, and Goblin Slayer definitely would have noticed if they were even daring to plan it. There was nothing amiss in her home that should even make her think that they were here.

Yet her heart would not believe it. As far as every other part aside from the rational was concerned, the goblins were here, and they were coming to finish what they started.

Somehow, she was off her bed and into a corner, as if it were any more safer. She could not breathe, she realized, no matter how hard her chest heaved. She covered her ears with her hands, but she could still hear the cackling. Her eyes blurred with tears, but no matter how hard she tried to call forth the image of the blue sky, it refused to come. All she could see was green skin and yellow eyes and slavering tongues and her own life fading away right before her eyes and—

There was a knock at her door.

While perhaps it ought to have frightened her more, it had the opposite effect. Surely Goblins would not _knock_ , her irrationality seemed capable of reasoning. The slightest bits of clarity filtered in, just enough that she found it within herself to stand to her feet, run over to the door, and rip it open.

It was Goblin Slayer. Always there when she needed him most. Almost always.

She ought to have wondered many things, like why he was even here. It was not quite the middle of the night, but far later than she would ever imagine him seeking someone out. She ought to have been keeping her will in mind as well, the very first declaration she had made right after it happened.

In that moment, though, she forgot all of it. She shot forward, wrapped her arms around him, and cried into his chest.

For a moment, he was still. Then she felt him nudging her, trying to guide her forward, but her feet refused the order. Slowly, he reached down to scoop her up, and she let him. He walked through her home to her bedroom, and she vaguely realized that this was the first time he had ever been inside.

After another moment of seemingly careful thought, he sat on the bed, and she settled in his lap. While part of her had feared over the past week that the sensation of touch had been forever ruined for her, she knew that there was nowhere safer in the world than where she was right now.

"What are you doing here?" she eventually asked.

"You haven't come to the Guild, and you turned High Elf Archer away. I was... worried."

Guilt twisted in her stomach. The point had been to make him _not_ worry, but she seemed to have messed that right up.

More silence ensued. Then, he said her name, only once, but it was enough.

"I lied," she admitted. "I—the goblins, they—they..." She could not make her lips form the word.

"I know," he said.

"You... do?" her voice was small in the face of the truth. Had he known the whole time? That he might have known since the moment he laid eyes on her that night unsettled her more than a little.

"I suspected," he said.

_But when was it confirmed?_ she wanted to know. _When did it click in your mind that I let myself become a plaything for the creatures you hate most?_

She didn't really want to know.

After a while, she managed, "I'm sorry I didn't say."

"You weren't obligated to tell me."

That couldn't be true, she knew.

"I'm sorry I lied," she rephrased.

He said nothing for a moment. "Did you see a healer?"

"Yes."

"Then it's fine. I didn't need to know beyond that."

He sounded like he truly believed that. It still seemed unlikely. How could she have ever thought to keep something like this from him? She feared it would change his opinion of her, but did he not have the right to? What if he had not wanted to hold her like this, knowing what he did now? That he seemed unbothered did not make it any less of a terrible lie.

She couldn't think of that right now, though. "You're not angry?"

"I'm very angry," he said.

She was stung for a moment, before she realized. "At me," she clarified.

"Why would I be angry with you?" He sounded as confused as his general tone of voice allowed.

She could think of several reasons _. I didn't find a way to fight them off sooner the way you would have. I'm impure now. I'm not the girl you allowed to become your friend, the girl who deserved to think such romantic thoughts about you, and I don't know if I can ever be her again._

"I'm not angry with you," he said, when she stayed silent. "No one should ever be angry with you for something like this."

He sounded like he wanted her to believe it. She couldn't. Not now. Not this night. Not with the memories still playing in her head every time she closed her eyes, like they would never go away.

"Can you stay?" she asked, wondering why she thought she even had the right to ask. "I can't sleep. Every time I close my eyes... But maybe if you're here..."

"I'll stay."

He did not try and climb in her bed, which she was thankful for, even though she was so guilty for leaving him on her floor.

After a while, he said. "I'm sorry."

She turned her head towards him, knowing he would feel this way and yet somehow still surprised to hear it.

"I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm sorry I didn't protect you."

"Don't," she said. "It wasn't your fault, so please, just... don't."

"I won't say it anymore, but I'll always be sorry for this."

Somehow, those words make something inside of her feel lighter. This, right here, was why she loved him, she thought.

"I can't now... but I think... eventually." She took a deep breath. "I want to keep fighting. With you. Will you still let me slay goblins with you?"

For a while, he didn't say anything. She wondered if he was doubting her, if he too knew she would never be more than this girl who cowered beneath her blankets.

But then he said, "If you wish."

It did not go without notice that he made her no declarations of future protection. Even now, he would not make promises he could not keep. Just as well. She was done with lies.

Despite the lack of promise, when her dreams tormented her again halfway through the night, he was right there, fighting back the monsters she could not until the sun rose in the bright blue sky.

_The End_


End file.
